Life without Steve...
Last Tuesday my Steve died.
Not being medical professionals, when the doctors told us this was serious, we both were like " yeah, we get that ... So when do you think he'll be able to go home?"
Why keep putting him thru dialysis every day if he was doomed?
He was moved back to ICU late Sunday night.
Around 5 am Monday morning I called his night nurse, she told me she'd been a nurse for over 32 years and tried to be honest with families. Steve's health was dire. Very bad. Not good.
The doctors were pumping serious antibiotics, 100 percent O2 and propaval to keep him sleeping. So back to not being a medical professional...
Steve always brought up the fact that I had been pre-Med in college (for about 2 seconds) and I would repeat the fact that I'd only gotten thru freshman biology which consisted of horrible worms that can live in the human body! He'd say "you were pre-med" and I'd say "Worms".
But NO ONE was clear enough, early enough. By the time the ER doctor told me they could bring him back each time he coded but he wouldn't make it thru the day, I still wasn't grasping what he was saying. So I asked " are you saying Steve will NOT get better?" The ER doctor said "he will not". Doctors must think non-medical people are mentally challenged. But, in my limited pre-med experience (worms) if they knew this, why had they kept pumping him with drugs?
So I asked them to let him go. Please don't put him thru any more heroic gestures.
It was terribly quick, maybe 15 minutes.
My sweet, grumpy, smart, courageous husband is gone.
I hate that I feel this way but what am I going to do without him?
Now it's been the calls to friends who let's just say, are not taking his passing well.
Steve was just the kind of person who was so solid & had your back always.
The thought of him not being in this world is just incomprehensible.
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Dear Merry, It truly is incomprehensible. I never understand why people go. People we love so fiercely. It's just not something I can wrap my heart around. I know you will go on, you're just that kind of person. The wonderful thing is that so many people know Steve and will truly keep telling you stories and stories you may not have heard yet and each time it will be a moment you get to smile (or cry) and think of your Steve - Oh, I'm so sad for you and sorry this is happening. You are an amazing person and I hope you keep writing your stories of Steve for those of us, like me, who didn't get the opportunity to know him. I'd like to hear all about him. Love you lots, Xochi
ReplyDeleteXochi- Thank you for your words. What you said is beautiful and so true. I look forward to hearing some of the stories that people tell Aunt Merry Lynn of my Uncle Steve.
ReplyDeleteAunt Merry Lynn- I can't even imagine what you feel right now and all that you have gone through. It makes me heart so sad. I am thankful for every blog post you write- updating us all the way here in Mississippi. I love you!